I spend quite abit of time by myself. I live in a very cute cabin near LA. I like being by myself. Y’know, you can do what you want. Wear what you want. Watch want you want. I’ve always had a lot of friends but never really minded spending time alone. Before I was married I would travel alone. Years ago I went to Costa Rica a few times on my own. I travelled to Mexico solo. I only took $100 for two weeks so I had to make friends fast in order to ’share’ their food and hotel. I went to Central America - Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, - just me. I think when you are in another country by yourself, you tend to use your own instincts. I like that. You take risks. If I was with another person, I may have never jumped on the back of a moving truck full of Ticos and went to the best disco in Costa Rico. Two people can talk themselves out of fun sometimes.
“We can’t do that? It says in the book it’s dangerous!”
So being alone doesn’t scare me. It’s just that after you’ve spent years with another person, doing everything together, jumping back into being all by yourself takes a little getting used to. It’s weird ‘cos I waver these days. When I’m surrounded by people, I want to just silently exit out the back door. And when I’ve had enough of my own self I want to go and just hang out somewhere.
Last week, after talking to Doug Stanhope on the phone a couple of times, after expressing that I may be having a little cabin fever. After telling him I was thinking about getting a place in LA or something, after he probably senses a quiet desperation in my voice he tells me,
“Well, I’ve got a meeting in LA and then how about we go to Vegas?”
“Yes, yes, yes”
So he drove from Bisbee, AZ. Even passed right near my place. He hooks up a suite at the Mondrian Hotel in LA for the three of us. Stanhope, his gal Bingo and me.
We have a gay old time at the Comedy Store and even swing by the Skybar.
Next day we head to Vegas in Stanhope’s car. The plan is to stop once we hit the border and ride the roller coaster at that first casino you hit on highway 15. Mitch and I had driven past there and stopped many times over the years.
I start having mixed emotions. I’m glad to be heading to the non-reality of Vegas but I also equate the place with Hedberg. He taped Crank Yanker’s there and we stayed at the Four Season’s twice ‘cos of that. We visited his family there a few times. Drove thru many times. Two tours. Lots of fun.
I like Vegas because there’s no denying that you are in Vegas.
We stop at….shit, I can’t remember the name…Buffalo Bills, and can’t see the roller coaster car anywhere. Maybe it’s too cold. We venture in, all needing to pee and Doug checks out the coaster status. It’s closed.
At this point we’re all ready to do a little gambling. I lose $20 in 5 seconds on a machine. Doug and Bingo head to the roulette table and I lose another $20. I start having that icky, losing money feeling and I’m only $40 in. I join them at the roulette. They’re doing pretty good. I always thought that it was practically impossible to actually hit the number at roulette. They hit several during the time I’m there. I keep losing and start to sweat a little. While we were driving we all picked a number. I picked 32, Doug 23 and Bingo 9. We called Keblowsky and he picks 18. It’s both our birthdays. So we are all playing these numbers. Plus I usually pick 2. (February - Mitch and I were both born in Feb. Plus married that month)
I keep losing. I ask Doug to tell me to calm down and he does. I love Stanhope’s attitude. “Look, your going to lose a thousand when you come to Vegas. Don’t worry about it. Have fun”. It helps but I’m still stressed.
I wander off and play “Top Dollar”. It’s an old favourite of mine. Mitch an dI would play it together. I put in $40 and after two spins…..$1000!!!!
I’m relieved. Now I have some ‘free’ gambling money. I play the same machine for a bit and hit 777. Another $100. I can barely wait for them to bring me the $1000 - I can’t wait to get back to the roulette table to brag….
We leave and head to Vegas. Doug calls the Rio and snags a free room for two nights. He had some points on his card from a while ago and promises that “We’re bringing $$$ to gamble”.
It’s the slowest time of the year in Vegas. I’m my head I start thinking that the machines won’t pay big cos’ they think that there is no one there to see if some one wins a lot. This theory makes no sense. None of my theories do. Vegas makes you lose your mind. Usually I play the slots because I’m intimidated by the men at the tables. Mitch used to play black jack. He would just walk up to a table and play a hundred or something.
This time I play the tables. Doug teaches us “Let it Ride”. It’ s totally fun. I can’t fuck up anyone else’s cards in this game. It’s not like blackjack where the person next to you wants to kill you if you hit on 18. I also like it because you get poker chips and I feel all cool piling my chips in front of me. Right away a get a flush. This is before I even know how to play the game really.
We play for ages. I start to think that I have the magic touch. I hit another flush (pays 8 to 1) and a full house (11 to 1). Doug and Bingo are hanging in there. Oh ya…I forgot. Stanhope had brought $1000 worth of quarters to cash in for gambling money but the casino acts like they don’t have 25 cent counting machines…
I fight the urge to turn and find Hedberg and proudly offer him a handful of chips…. but the odds of being dealt a straight flush is only outnumbered by the odds of seeing him….and I can barely fucking stand it.
In my head, I think that I’m playing real poker and start bluffing. No need to bluff at “Let it Ride”. I’m also missing Hedberg like crazy. He would love that I was playing at the tables and I want to go back and play “Let it Ride” with him. Free beers, good cards, fun. There are quite a few people in the casino.
Every once in a while a waitress climbs on a little stage and belts out a song. Sometimes it’s a waiter.
I notice a loud voice coming from a table near us. For a second I think that the Rio has provided a Charo impersonator as entertainment. Bloody cheap entertainment, I think.
No, it’s a crrrazy brrroad playing 3,5,7 Poker two tables away. She looks like Charo and sound like Charo. Stanhope yells something over to her.
“Shrrrrrrut up!!” She yells back.
“There’s no r in shut up”. Stanhope informs her.
“Shrrrrut Up!!” She doesn’t have a drunken slur. She’s a hot Costa Rican mama who rolls rrr’s regardless if there’s an r in the word. Charo-cature gone wild.
I decide to go play her table. I quickly learn 3,5,7 poker and realize that she doesn’t like other women at the table. For a while she keeps winning. I start to think that she works for the Rio as some weird distraction. Then I think she’s a hooker. Then she leaves with “Rrrrrrobbie!!” her friend of “Twrrreny yearrrrrs!!!”. She didn’t like me.
Hours pass. I learn another game. I start over tipping and losing. Bingo and Stanhope remain at the “Let it Ride” table. I swing by every now and then and Stanhope tells me that they’re waiting til they get four eights before they can leave. They’ve done the ATM walk of shame a few times.
I hit the Texas Hold’em. I’m losing all right. At one point I start talking to a couple of young guys. They’re drunk and one of them grabs my head and starts yelling “She’s a winner!!”. Stanhope materializes out of thin air and sorts it out.
It seems like we’ve been up for hours and the fact is it’s morning. We head to bed and I make my way to the breakfast buffet and chow bacon and eggs. There are people around me just getting a start on the day. I head to bed not before having a quick meeting with Stanhope in his underwear in the hall for a cigarette exchange.
He googly dance-walks back to his room to the tune of I wish I had a camera.
We all have a sleep. Time to hit the tables again. I try craps and can’t figure it out. At this point the dealers know my name and are trying to help. Doug and Amy make some money back on roulette. They’re doing good. Another round on the “Let it Ride”. I’ve done the walk of shame. A pit boss swings by and jokes, “There’s a crazy Costa Rican lady looking for you”.
I’m exhausted. It’s over. Two days in Vegas is just about enough.
I now have a wicked cold. I blame the poker chips.
I’m heading to NYC for Christmas to hang with my ol’ pal Bonnie Mcfarlane and her sweet ass husband Rich Vos. We’ll be at Carolines if you want to come .
Merry Christmas. I’ll try.
